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Threading The Needle #3

Posted 02-15-2012 at 08:44 AM by mojoey

Note: im on my mobile, so please let me know of any spelling errors.

what do we have here
thought Deke as he inspected the shredded thermal foil on the decent stage. It did look as though the O2 tank was compromised and ripped through the RCS lines and other bits.

'Houston, Freedom, how copy?'
'Solid copy, what's going on?' Questioned Kerwin. They had only recently regained contact with Slayton and Haise. Telemetry was being fed back, and it indicated a severe O2 shortage and an RCS failure. This wasn't a major concern, as a hab module that was placed on the surface two days before had all the resources they needed for a two week stay.

'Situation is ok, seems like the O2 tank blew. Sent us off course, but not by much. The hab module is intact, and is ready to go.' Slayton responded. They had transfered from the LM to Grissom the night before, and were in the midst of unpacking their equipment and long range rover. Haise was working on setting up a telescope that they would use to study the stars to understand more about their corner of the galaxy. Slayton was inspecting the LM for more damage that was not apparent on first glance.

why did you blow up? Hmm?
***
Schmitt was fast asleep in the Hotel room dreaming about a sandy beach, and warm weather. It had been dreary the past day or so, and Scmitt had contracted a cold. Then the phone rang.

'Hello?'
'Hey Harrison, it's Pete, we need you here now. Freedom hit a speedbump. A ride will be there in fifteen, get switched on, it's game time.'

Sorry for being so short, my thumbs hurt, and im tired...more tomorrow...I promise!
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  1. Old Comment
    Scruce's Avatar
    Ok, here is my review of what you have done so far.


    It was a little edgy on who was in focus earlier on in the story. But now it seems fine with you focusing on Apollo XIII . Don't open too many side plots unless they have relevancy to the main plot. For example: If I were to do a story like this; I would have the main plot being Apollo XIII and a small side plot with Russians sabotaging or a worker in the VAB a month before or something like that.

    TL;DR Summary:
    Keep side plots only if they interact with the main plot in some way.


    My second point is a small grammar trick that I learned from a popular Fan Fiction writer: Use italics and "speech marks" to effect. In his story; the italics would portray the thoughts of the protagonist, the speech marks would be what the characters are saying and normal text would be narration. This can clearly define thoughts, actions and interaction with the fourth wall.

    TL;DR Summary:
    Italics (i) = Thoughts,
    Speech Marks ("") = Speech,
    Normal Text (Aa) = Narration.


    My last point is a nitpick: You have three blogs open with your story, there is no need for that. Just update your first blog with your story so we can keep everything in one place. Scav is an exception as his story chapters are very long, whereas yours are short.

    TL;DR Summary:
    One blog please.


    Overall, I like where the story is going. 3/5
    Posted 02-15-2012 at 01:21 PM by Scruce Scruce is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Scav's Avatar
    Hey Mojoey,

    I'm really flattered you decided to take this on. I'm equally flattered you're blaming me entirely for it.

    One of the things that got hammered into my head early on when it comes to writing, and it's something I'd like to challenge you to take on as well, is this: Show, don't tell.

    When I write, I try my best to put myself into my character's head. I want to see what they're seeing. I want to feel what they're feeling. I want to smell what they're smelling ... etc., and then I try to put the parts that are relevant to the plot to print.

    Do you see what I mean?

    Speaking of 'what I mean,'

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Scruce View Comment
    Scav is an exception as his story chapters are very long, whereas yours are short.
    Whatcha mean there, sir?
    Posted 02-16-2012 at 12:32 AM by Scav Scav is offline
 

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