Humor: Create your funny news headlines

[ar81]

Here some funny news I created...

Candidate had dinner with radicals

Agents of secret service revealed last night that candidate had dinner with radicals. Apparently his dinner had stable radicals like O2 and a derived radical from Vitamin E, said an anonymous source from the agency.

This could not happen in a worse moment for the candidate, for he claimed to support a Radical Ban Act that is going to be passed soon in the congress.

Radical Ban Act is supposed to ban radicals like potassium nitrosodisulfonate, diradicals and nitronyl nitroxides, as well as all polymerization processes, spectroscopy, chemical reactions involving radicals, astrochemistry and atmospheric radicals.

"Radical Ban Act is a very important tool to achieve national security. National security demands to stop free radicals from being free" a government spokesman said.

Cab driver collides with airplane, cab driver to be blamed

A drunk cab driver brought a passenger to an airstrip and hit an airplane that was parked there. According to ATC personnel, the cab driver could be subject of liabilities and FAA sanctions. Owner of the airplane refused to comment if he will start a legal action against the cab driver.

 

[Star explorer]

Goerge W Bush scores 140 on IQ test



(NOT) :threadjacked:

 

[doggie015]

SCIENTESTS BAFFLED!
Many frustrated scientists are reworking Godwin's law

to adapt it to the 'you know you're addicted to orbiter when...' thread on orbiter-forum.com as that thread seems to be defying the law at this stage. One such scientist said that the probability of this law acting is well past 0.0000001:1 on current formulae

 

[ar81]

AFRICAN PRESIDENT CLAIMS TO HAVE SECRET AGAINST OVERWEIGHT

REPUBLIC OF MATANGA - African president Zimba Ngtome claimed yesterday that he had found the secret against overweight, and he would use it to make his GDP to grow in a time of world crisis.

It was a large reception, that included lobster and exotic foods prepared by some of the most famous chefs in the world, as well as decoration made by some of the most famous artists of the world. Press representatives and international organizations attended the event.

Ngtome said "In our country we have no overweight problems. We would like to invite foreigners to come here and enjoy this regime that will make them thin". His relatives congratulated him for turning poverty, starvation and hunger into a strategic competitive advantage in a globalized world, that could bring them some GDP and could bring some extra liquidity to an economy that has short supply of food and high inflation.

"We have no fat people in our country, and you can go out and see the evidence". Matanga Republic accounts only 9 cases of overweight: President Ngtome and 9 relatives of him.

 

[Master of Blades]

AFRICAN PRESIDENT CLAIMS TO HAVE SECRET AGAINST OVERWEIGHT

REPUBLIC OF MATANGA - African president Zimba Ngtome claimed yesterday that he had found the secret against overweight, and he would use it to make his GDP to grow in a time of world crisis.

It was a large reception, that included lobster and exotic foods prepared by some of the most famous chefs in the world, as well as decoration made by some of the most famous artists of the world. Press representatives and international organizations attended the event.

Ngtome said "In our country we have no overweight problems. We would like to invite foreigners to come here and enjoy this regime that will make them thin". His relatives congratulated him for turning poverty, starvation and hunger into a strategic competitive advantage in a globalized world, that could bring them some GDP and could bring some extra liquidity to an economy that has short supply of food and high inflation.

"We have no fat people in our country, and you can go out and see the evidence". Matanga Republic accounts only 9 cases of overweight: President Ngtome and 9 relatives of him.

Hehe... So true :lol:

 

[ar81]

NASA DEMOTED TO NAA

WASHINGTON - NASA often known as National Aeronautics and Space Administration was demoted to NAA (National Aeronautics Administration) after a Congress comittee determined that "it has been a long time since NASA put a man in space. Technically speaking ISS is inside Earth atmosphere, and since we have not plans or budget to send a man to the moon or beyond, we decided to rename NASA as NAA" said a government spokesman.

After being asked, US president Smith said "there is no point in spending millions of dollars to pay for a free touristic trip for a few astronauts. Right now we have the need of making a $2.2 billion overhaul to an aircraft carrier and a $1200 billion dollar bailout. We still do not know where are we going to get the money for wasteful space trips. Do you know how many bridges can be built for the price of a expendable spacecraft?".

With current level of funding, NAA estimations set a deadline for a second set of trips to the moon in about 100 years.

"This is a matter of economy and liquidity" NAA spokesman said "so it gives us time to think a lot about how we are going to plan this future trip to the moon".

 

[Star explorer]

NASA DEMOTED TO NAA

WASHINGTON - NASA often known as National Aeronautics and Space Administration was demoted to NAA (National Aeronautics Administration) after a Congress comittee determined that "it has been a long time since NASA put a man in space. Technically speaking ISS is inside Earth atmosphere, and since we have not plans or budget to send a man to the moon or beyond, we decided to rename NASA as NAA" said a government spokesman.

After being asked, US president Smith said "there is no point in spending millions of dollars to pay for a free touristic trip for a few astronauts. Right now we have the need of making a $2.2 billion overhaul to an aircraft carrier and a $1200 billion dollar bailout. We still do not know where are we going to get the money for wasteful space trips. Do you know how many bridges can be built for the price of a expendable spacecraft?".

With current level of funding, NAA estimations set a deadline for a second set of trips to the moon in about 100 years.

"This is a matter of economy and liquidity" NAA spokesman said "so it gives us time to think a lot about how we are going to plan this future trip to the moon".

THAT WOULD BE MY WORST NIGHTMARE. NOT GOING TO THE MOON FOR ANOTHER 100 YEARS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[ar81]

CONTROVERSY ON GOVERNMENT DECISION OF NATIONALIZING ENEMY GROUPS

WASHINGTON - President William F. Smith anounced the controversial decision of nationalizing all enemy organizations of the world. As controversial as it sounds, it seems a measure that has some technical reasons behind.

After the anouncement, an intelligence agency spokesman said "Nowadays enemies are using our financial system to launder their money and they give us some headaches, just like bank executives did. We learned the lessons of the credit crunch. Nationalizing allows government to have more control. So a government bailout for enemies should allow some control on their operations as enemy leaders should report to our government. Funding them would give us some power of veto for their operations, and we should not suffer bad intelligence anymore, since they should report to us since we fund them."

He continued "The evident problem for the public is that money would be funding strikes against targets. Do not worry, we already considered that. We will veto operatons that harm people, and we will give them dummie targets for their suicide attacks, like ships that are scheduled for sinking or buildings that are scheduled for demolition. We could add some action figures so they think they are actually killing people. That should put them to a good use".

John W. Connor, senator from the opposing party complained about this measure "he is absolutely wrong, what we need is to turn enemy organizations into banks, then encourage them to engage in suicide transactions like subprime loans, and in the end, all enemies will face a world crisis where enemies will have no money to afford their attacks. After we defeat them, we will need to care about the real threat to national security: Skynet".

COSTA RICA TO BE USED AS TRAINING FIELD FOR LUNAR ROVERS

SAN JOSE - The inability of Costa Rican government to have properly maintained roads caused Ministerio de Obras Públicas to offer local roads as training ground for astronauts.

Holes in the streets are everywhere. With every rain you never know how many new holes you will have or if asphalt will break and swallow vehicles, like it happened to 2 cars in the last 2 weeks in Los Yoses and Moravia.

NASA scientists considered it as a great place for training, since this exposes astronauts to precipitations and the same risks of driving that they would have in Titan. The poorly trained drivers that use to cause many accidents in this country ressemble meteorites that could collide against astronaut vehicles. So as dangerous as it may seem, it adds a great deal of realism to the training ground.

"This is a way how disadvantages and problems of a nation, caused by our mediocrity in infrastructure can be put to a good use" a Costa Rican government spokesman said.

SCIENCE PROVEN TO BE A RELIGION, PRIEST CLAIMS

SAN JOSE - Fulano De Tal, priest of the "Anti-Hail to Probe" sect claimed science to be a religion.
Doe started to analyze the similarities between religions and science.

"Science has a myth of creation, just like other religions. Science uses scientific method as a tool of faith, some sort of sacred words. There is no way to scientifically prove if scientific method is scientific by itself. It is a self-proven belief. For religion, if you commit sins you go to hell. For science, if you produce greenhouse gas, climate change will kill you. Scientists claim that there is no way to prove the existence of God except for faith, but there is no way to prove scientific discoveries if it was not for scientific method."

Hail to Probe followers complains for his words were called by this priest as "heretic words for science" and condemned the threats of such followers to send him to space so he sees the truth. Priest considers such an invitation for a space trip like an attempt to brainwash him and make him quit his beliefs. And since Hail to probe followers oppose his belief he considers such invitation as "temptation of evil" to sink him into confusion and lack of faith.

The priest concludes "scientists are not getting too much money for their actions, which is an indication that they must be doing what they do for a spiritual and non materialistic reason". So they must be very religious. This priest made about $10 billion last year after his speeches before different audiences of poor and uneducated people across the globe, a not so religious fund raising that helps to fund a high life lifestyle.

 

[Star explorer]

will smith, john connor ha ha ha "..."

 

[ar81]

DOGS, COCKROACHES AND DOLPHINS SUPERIOR RACES OVER HUMANS, STUDY REVEALS

CALIFORNIA - After analyzing different species to evaluate state of evolution, scientists discovered that dolphins, cockroaches and dogs are more advanced creatures when compared to humans.

"For years human superiority has been based on evaluating animals using human skills. But we created a complete model to analyze many species and determine how evolved they are".

Dogs are more loyal than humans, and that makes them more suitable for survival than selfish humans. Humans believe they are the masters, while indeed they are their slaves, as humans work to feed their animals and not the opposite. But they let us believe we are in command, the study shows.

Dolphins have a bigger brain than humans and they have a more socially advanced way of interaction. They can't talk like humans but the are equaly capable of comminicating. If you think about the ability to speak as superior, some TV shows that say stupid things would be an icon of how evolved humans are.

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear war, they would have more chances of survival in space than a fragile astronaut. This is why the first "manned" flight to Mars is scheduled to have cockroaches as crew. Their adaptation to the new environment will be studied, and if lucky they will survive until astronauts get there. In case of being stranded there cockroaches would represent a free source of proteins that can be processed without any concern for animal rights, since cockroaches are not covered by the animal rights legislation and are not a species that Greenpeace would protect from extinction.

Humans instead have some individuals who are worthy of being called not-too-evolved, like the author of some satire articles who uses to post at the Orbiter Forums, the study revealed.

 

[Eagle]

I think you need at least a part time job at the Onion. Add a random stock photo or photoshopped picture and you're there.

 

[Andy44]

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES 2008 WORLD CHAMPIONS, HOAX?
Orbiter Press 2008

Reliever Brad Lidge supposedly topped off a perfect season as the Phillies won the 2008 World Series in a bizarre game 5 that took 3 days to finish due a rain suspension. The victory, which according to Major League Baseball officials, the first Philadelphia baseball championship since 1980, has been clouded by allegations that the entire thing was faked in the same movie studio used to fake the Apollo moon landings.

"I think it's a hoax," said one Philadelphia fan, "I mean, if they can fake a moon landing, it should be pretty easy to fake a baseball game, right?"

Another fan agreed, "Philadelphia never wins anything. I know you think you have it on film and all, but it's gotta be fake."

Some fans decided to celebrate anyway. "Yeah, well, fake or not, I can pretend it's real and I won't turn into a pumpkin at midnight, so I'm going to go ahead and get roaring drunk and dance around the streets like I've lost my mind. What the heck, right?"

Philadelphia authorities say they are planning for a fake victory parade to celebrate the allegedly fake Phillies victory, saying, "Even fake victories are good for the soul, not to mention the city's economy. I mean, seriously, we celebrate Rocky Balboa, we even have a statue of him in front of the Art Museum, and he's a fictional character."

Neil Armstrong (not known to be a Phillies fan, anyway) was unavailable for comment.

 

[Spicer]

That's hillarious...the Phillies win the World Series...who are you joking???

:rofl:
Wow...it's true. Believe!

 

[ar81]

DRACULA DIED OF AIDS ON HALLOWEEN

TRANSYLVANIA - This Halloween was a time to mourn the loss of the all time famous vampire Dracula. The funeral gathered all celebrities from the underground world of horror.

Forensic analysis showed that the cause of his death was HIV virus which probably he acquired while drinking the blood of an infected person.

"Vampire slayers finally found the way to kill us" declared a vampire, relative of Dracula, who declined to be identified "Aids have been systematically reducing our numbers and nowadays Halloween is a commercial celebration, and it is not anymore a time for horror".

 

[ar81]

BANK EXECUTIVES LABELED AS TERRORISTS

WASHINGTON - Federal crime analysis department discovered some similarities between 9/11 and credit crunch. It seems that bank executives hijacked investors money and piloted banks through a subprime air corridor until banks crashed against bankruptcy.

The final effect on both events was a collapse that sank US and the world into fear and crisis. Several thousand casualties were victims of unemployment in US in the last 8 years.

"We are proudly the most powerful nation on Earth, and we will leave no safe harbor for bank executive terrorists" president Will Smith said to the press today. "We will invade Wall Street with regulations to protect US citizens from bank executive terrorists. We cannot afford to lose a single American to the evil grasps of poverty".

An army of financial analysts already started to work on the plans to invade Wall Street and retake the money that was stolen by the insurgent tax cuts of the previous administration. "We will not raise taxes" president said "we will neutralize insurgent tax cuts that have been subsidizing 'productivity analysis' that helped companies to fire americans".

"The end of nationalized financial terror of the last 8 years will come to an end" a government representative said after president departed.

 

[willy88]

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA BIN LADEN THE TERRORIST ELECTED

Barack Hussein Obama, a known Muslim extremist, has been elected president of America. See how he will suicide bomb America at 6:00 eastern on Fox News.




(Couldn't help it, sorry.)

 

[ar81]

MCCAIN BELIEVED TO BE FATHER OF OBAMA

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a secret meeting during campaign an agent of secret service claim to have heard president Obama saying "...because I am your father." "No, no!! That's impossible!!!".

FBI is investigating the case because of allegations of political nepotism issued by this agent. "We must not allow the evil galactic empire to take over US. It would be unfortunate that US could turn to the dark side of the force, a religion of the old republic, if either candidate was elected" a government spokesman said.

It comes in a time when expresident George Bush is claimed to be Boba Fett, a clone who caused a credit crunch in the old republic, and which principle was used to create the Death Star that destroyed Alderaan.

"FBI is also investigating if credit crunch was the result of some sort of hyperspace WMDs" said an FBI field agent in a TV interview yesterday.

"If the evil galactic empire is responsible for that, our recommendation would be to issue a meeting with G7 to start an immediate space program to reach evil empire home planet in a distant galaxy, with our marines" government agent added.

The agent expressed some concern before UN, after allegations that a probe detected some tie fighters heading to Earth. "If there is a Tie Fighter there, there must be a Star destroyer nearby" said the agent. Japan is collecting as many whale hunting harpoons from fishermen in order to face imperial walkers invasion, after that interview.

President Obama laughed at the rumor, as he claimed that McCain and him gathered together to watch Star Wars, and probably he stick his ear against the door when Luke discovered Vader was his fafther, therefore the words the secret agent just heard. "McCain and I also watched Ong Bak, a movie that has some Thai Fighters, not Tie Fighters."

 

[willy88]

Too late:

 

[ar81]

US CRISIS DELIBERATELY CREATED, SECRET REPORT SAYS

WASHINGTON - President Will Smith revealed classified documents that showed controversial documents containing secret plans of a previous administration to enhance fears of US citizens, codenamed as "National Fear Project".

"What is life without emotions? US citizens had everything and enjoyed living in the most powerful nation of Earth. Ruling such a country, with a balanced economy and post-cold war era, would be very boring, not only for a president, but also for the population." a representative of the ruling party of such administration said.

"People were doing rafting in Colorado river and were bungie jumping, parachuting, but our last survey revealed that there was some sense of boredom among population. In order to give citizens something to feel excited fear of terror and credit crunch had to be enhanced" the representative added.

Secretary of state John Connor added yesterday "they considered using Skynet to give some excitement to citizens, war against the machine, but it already was used by James Cameron in his movie and it would not be a really original plot for political entertainment. Several options were considered. Even if earthquakes and heart diseases kill millions, it would not have the fireworks effect of terror or credit crunch".

The secret document showed that a survey was conducted and praised the accomplishment of the goals of the project. "America will remember the excitement of political entertainment that was intentionally created to bring some intense emotions to citizens. Boredom brings unhappiness to people, so we congratulate all those who made this plan possible and successful" the report summary stated.

Controversy now arises as some Americans refuse to believe that it was political entertainment and not a real problem. Party representatives said "hey, economy is just like a videogame, the amount of money is just like a digital score, and war was a fake, filmed in Mohave desert. And since war was fictional, a multimedia production, our incredible government debt and deficit are not real either". If president Smith checks FED accounting statements, he will find that economy is fine, unlike our national multimedia production showed in the media".

The movie director Oliver Spielberg who was in charge of the production said "people love video games and movies with a very emotional story. Government selected this path as it was cheap and not harmful for economy. Chinese government learned about this and imitated us in the olympic games".

 

[Kyle]

THE EMPIRE INVADES THE UNITED STATES AND RUSSIA

(AP) Washington - IN a stunning move preformed by Emperor Palpatine, the Empire declared Marshal Law on the Earth System. Thousands of his best troops landed in different area's in the United States and Russia, this battalion of troops, the 501st known as 'Vader's fist', are some of the most elite Storm Troopers ever recruited. The American government, lead by president Barack Obama, plan to hold a special meeting today on what to do about this crisis that the Earth faces.

This is a time of great inter"est and great challenges," The president told the people today. "We are currently negotiating with the Emperor as we speak, holding many talks about this misunderstanding. I've recived word that the Supreme leader of the Empire's military, Darth Vader is to arrive on Earth in a few weeks." The crisis is apparently from a Force Sensitive boy, and a Commander in the Rebellion, 'Luke Skywalker', destroyed an Emperial outpost on the surface of the moon, leading the empire to believe that the Earth system is allied with the Rebellion.

Also of great fears, is of the Empire's newly announced weapon, the Death Star, with an ability to destroy a planet with one blast form its super powerfull lazer. If the situation turns for the worse, the Empire might in fact bring the Death Star into an Eleptical orbit around the Earth, and anilliate earth. There will be updates throughout the day on what has become the highlights of the Obama administration, and perhaps a catastrophy in the making.