Humor Engineer Joke Thread

[SolarLiner]

Nope. The right joke:

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scalar.

Arf, memory, I feel like I should have a better one sometimes ... :lol:

 

[ISProgram]

A priest, a tax collector and and engineer get caught up in a revolution and all are sentenced to die by guillotine.
The priest is the first to clamped into the dilapidated old slicer. The rope was pulled but the blade refused to fall. All proclaimed it a miracle and decided it was divine intervention and the priest was released.
The tax collector was next and all knew that this hated man would surely die. The rope was pulled the blade dropped and stopped halfway. All agreed that there must be something redeeming about this man that would bring about such mercy and they released him.
The engineer was then led to the place of execution and they prepare to lock him in. He glances up at the blade and says "Hey, I see your problem!"

:lol:

 

[Urwumpe]

All you really need is WD40 and duct tape.

WD40, if it does not move, and should move.
Duct tape, if it moves, and should not move.

 

[MaverickSawyer]

All you really need is WD40 and duct tape.

WD40, if it does not move, and should move.
Duct tape, if it moves, and should not move.

 

[Scav]

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and binds the universe together.

 

[kamaz]

 

[fred18]

If you can't fix it with duct tape...

you're not using enough duct tape!!!

 

[SolarLiner]

If it looks stupid, but works
Then it ain't stupid (and you can say "trust me, I'm an engineer")

 

[Spacethingy]

How does a telecom engineer score a basket?

With a [ame="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dslam"]dee-slam[/ame]. :shifty:

 

[garyw]

This has been a favourite of mine for a while.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

[Castor]

1) An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a vacation. They went to spend their holiday in a mountain cottage. One night they went to bed and were soon sound asleep.

In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up beacause there is a small fire in his bed. He rushes out to the kitchen, fetches a bucket full of water, rushes back to his bed and kills the fire by splashing the water on it. Then he falls asleep and sleeps wet.

An hour later the physicist wakes up due to a fire in his bed - he grabs a pen and does some paper calculations a few minutes, walks out to the kitchen, measures accurately 0.67 l of water, walks back to his bed, pours the water on the fire and with the last drop he kills the fire. He falls asleep and sleeps dry.

An hour later the mathematician wakes up due to a fire in his bed - he too grabs pen and paper and starts calculating and while the fire grows he uses more and more paper, and then after almost an hour of calculus he shouts: "Yes! There is an exact solution!"


2) An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said he like both.

"Both?" said the other two guys.

"Yes. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go and get some work done."

 

[MattBaker]

You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

Also she's a good swimmer, quite rare to find in combination with engineer:

 

[Andy44]

Also she's a good swimmer, quite rare to find in combination with engineer:

The fact that you went and looked that up is itself an engineer joke...and a sure sign that you're one of us.

 

[MaverickSawyer]

ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

 

[Ghostrider]

Seen on a sign at an engineering faculty:

"Theory is when we know everything, and nothing works.
Practice is when everything works, but we don't know why.
Our goal here is therefore to combine theory with practice:
NOTHING works and we don't know WHY!"

 

[Artlav]

The difference between the theory and practice is small in theory, but large in practice.

 

[garyw]

The difference between the theory and practice is small in theory, but large in practice.

Experience is the lesson nature gives you five minutes after you need it.

Another joke:

How do you tell the difference between a newbie and an expert?

The newbie says "Whats it doing?"

The expert says "It's doing it again!"

 

[BruceJohnJennerLawso]

1) An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a vacation. They went to spend their holiday in a mountain cottage. One night they went to bed and were soon sound asleep.

In the middle of the night the engineer wakes up beacause there is a small fire in his bed. He rushes out to the kitchen, fetches a bucket full of water, rushes back to his bed and kills the fire by splashing the water on it. Then he falls asleep and sleeps wet.

An hour later the physicist wakes up due to a fire in his bed - he grabs a pen and does some paper calculations a few minutes, walks out to the kitchen, measures accurately 0.67 l of water, walks back to his bed, pours the water on the fire and with the last drop he kills the fire. He falls asleep and sleeps dry.

An hour later the mathematician wakes up due to a fire in his bed - he too grabs pen and paper and starts calculating and while the fire grows he uses more and more paper, and then after almost an hour of calculus he shouts: "Yes! There is an exact solution!"

Dammit, you beat me to that one :lol:

In the version I heard, the punchline was that the mathematician says "A solution exists!" about the fire extinguisher. Then the next night they catch the statistician starting the fires.

Not really an engineering joke, but still funny:

An engineer and a mathematician are stranded together on a deserted island. The engineer climbs one of the smaller trees to grab a coconut and brings it down. The mathematician sees this, and then proceeds to climb one of the tallest trees, brings down some coconuts, then climbs a shorter tree and places the coconuts there. The engineer is naturally quite exasperated by this, and asks the mathematician why he did it. The mathematicians says "See, I reduced this to a problem we can solve!"

:lol:

 

[Mortov Molotov]

A CEO of a large company took the day off to start a new hobby: hot air balloon flying. It all started well, and the CEO really enjoyed the landscape underneath.

However, after a couple of hours, he was clearly lost. All he saw were large farming fields, with small roads in between. Luckily, the small figure of a man, taking a walk, got his attention. He decided to lower his balloon until a few meters above that person.

- CEO: "Hello, sir, I took up hot air balloon flying today, but now I'm lost. Can you tell me where exactly I am please?"
- Man on ground: "Well, you are exactly ten meters above the surface."
- CEO: "... you know, you must be an engineer."
- Man on ground: "That's correct, how'd you figure?"
- CEO: "Well, the information you gave me is technically correct, but it's useless to my situation"
- Man on ground: "All right... then I figure you must be a CEO."
- CEO: "That's right... and how did yóu know?"

- Man on ground: "Well... you started a new adventure totally unprepared, you end up not knowing where you are, and certainly not knowing where you're headed. Finally, you decide to ask me for information, I give you that information, next thing you know: it's all my fault!"

 

[Quick_Nick]

A CEO of a large company took the day off to start a new hobby: hot air balloon flying. It all started well, and the CEO really enjoyed the landscape underneath.

However, after a couple of hours, he was clearly lost. All he saw were large farming fields, with small roads in between. Luckily, the small figure of a man, taking a walk, got his attention. He decided to lower his balloon until a few meters above that person.

- CEO: "Hello, sir, I took up hot air balloon flying today, but now I'm lost. Can you tell me where exactly I am please?"
- Man on ground: "Well, you are exactly ten meters above the surface."
- CEO: "... you know, you must be an engineer."
- Man on ground: "That's correct, how'd you figure?"
- CEO: "Well, the information you gave me is technically correct, but it's useless to my situation"
- Man on ground: "All right... then I figure you must be a CEO."
- CEO: "That's right... and how did yóu know?"

- Man on ground: "Well... you started a new adventure totally unprepared, you end up not knowing where you are, and certainly not knowing where you're headed. Finally, you decide to ask me for information, I give you that information, next thing you know: it's all my fault!"

This joke feels oddly familiar.
http://www.orbiter-forum.com/showthread.php?p=469530