Humor Engineer Joke Thread

[Andy44]

Just found these and thought I'd share. Please post your own if you have any.

http://m.tickld.com/x/10-jokes-only-engineers-will-understand

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[boogabooga]

mechanical engineers:

Cut to shape
Pound to fit
Paint to match

 

[MaverickSawyer]

EDIT: never mind, I didn't see #8 on Andy's post. My bad.

 

[fsci123]

Computer Engineering/Computer Science

There are 10 types of people:
People who understand binary
and People who dont

There are 10 types of people:
Peoples who understand binary
People who dont
and People who didnt expect this to be a trinary joke

 

[Castor]

A doctor is talking to a car engineer, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
“Yeah, but you see, doc, you always have the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”

 

[Andy44]

Three engineers were driving home late one freezing winter night when the car broke down. They sat inside looking at the instrument panel scratching their heads.

"Maybe the fuel pump is broken," said the mechanical engineer.

"I don't know," said the electrical engineer, "I think it might be the alternator."

The computer engineer says, "Why don't we all get out of the car and get back in again to see if the problem clears."

 

[PeterRoss]

A foreign customer bought an airplane from Russian factory. The plane arrived dismantled and packed into a big box, assembly instruction included. Technicians made everything by the book and got a steam locomotive as a result. They scratched their heads, disassembled it and tried again. Result was the same. They contacted tech support.
'You weren't paying attention to the instruction," - was an answer. - "Check the last page: 'After assmebly is finished, work the surface with rasp thoroughly'."



The joke is especially up-to-date after the last Proton crash...

 

[mojoey]

Computer Engineering/Computer Science

There are 10 types of people:
People who understand binary
and People who dont

There are 10 types of people:
Peoples who understand binary
People who dont
and People who didnt expect this to be a trinary joke

101 101: An Introduction to Binary

 

[Urwumpe]

A retired German engineer was once asked to advise his former company on a problem with one of their machines. All their current engineers had failed finding the cause of the problem, the machine still doesn't operate.

So, he goes around the machine, touches parts for a few minutes and then takes a piece of chalk and makes a mark on a part of the machine, that doesn't look anything different than the others and tells the other engineers to replace this part. They do so, and the machine works again. Afterwards the elder engineer goes back to the office of his former boss and leaves a bill of 50,000 € to him.

"€50,000 for less than one hour of work? You must be joking!"
"No, its simple. Its 1€ for the chalk and 49,999 € for knowing where to leave the mark."

 

[Hlynkacg]

See my sig...

 

[Castor]

Once an engineer was driving along a ranch and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the redneck. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The engineer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the redneck.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

 

[fred18]

A group of engineers and a group of math teachers have to go to another town for a scientific congress and the best way to get there is by train.

At the train station the math teachers buy one ticket for each, while the engineers buy only one ticket. The math teachers look at each other wondering how this can be possible.
They get on the train and just before the controller passes all the engineers lock themselves in the toilette.

The controller knocks on the door asking "ticket please" and one of the engineers replies "i don't feel that good, can I pass you the ticket under the door?" "ok" replies the controller and the engineers are safe.

So the math teachers look at each others and say "ah got it!"

After the congress the two groups meet again at the train station to get back. The math teachers take only one ticket, while the engineers don't buy any...
Again the math teachers look at each other wondering how this can be possible.

Before the controller passes all the math teachers lock themselves into the toilette. The engineers do the same except from one.... who knocks on the math teachers toilette saying "ticket please"

 

[kamaz]

An oldie:

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length to the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so that the contractor knows it's a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.
8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or righ-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed fron the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are genreally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those in pipes for compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: conduit, tube, tunnel and drain. Use only genuine pipes.
17. Scottish Regiments in the Army use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles.

 

[MattBaker]

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

Venous valves come to mind, don't want to have them backwards:

 

[RisingFury]

Computer Engineering/Computer Science

There are 10 types of people:
People who understand binary
and People who dont

There are 10 types of people:
Peoples who understand binary
People who dont
and People who didnt expect this to be a trinary joke

There are 10 types of people:
people who understand binary,
people who don't,
people who can spell "ternary",
people who can't
and people who know that "10" can be used for this joke in any base number system higher or equal to 2.

 

[Donamy]

A guy was riding his bike on a counrty road, when he hit a rock and crashed breaking the bike, and his leg. While lying there in extreme pain, a one legged pig hobbled by and nudged up against him, seeming to want the guy, to climb on his back. So he did so, and the pig carried him to a near by farm house, where a farmer was sitting on the porch. "Is this your pig?" he asked the farmer. "Sure is, and he's a special pig." said the farmer. "I had a bike accident and your pig brought me here." he told the farmer. " The farmer continued, "He saved a family up the road from a fire one time, and a little boy from drowning in the creek back yonder. Yes, he sure is a special pig." "That is amazing!, but tell me. How did he lose his leg" he asked. "Well, a pig as special as this one, you don't eat all at once." answered the farmer.

 

[jedidia]

An anecdote from the swiss air force:

After engine tuning on the hawker hunter, the wing roots started showing hair fractures. after a lot of debate about how to solve the issue, one clever engineer suggested perforating the wings so the vibrations had a place to ebb off.

They tried it, and it worked (so far the real sotry).

At a later date, it is said that the engineer was asked where he had the unusual idea from. He answered: "Oh, toilet paper never tears at the place where it's perforated, so I figured it should also work with wings..."

 

[SolarLiner]

An infinite amount of engineers walks into a bar.
The first asks for a beer mug. The second asks for half of one. The third, a quarter.
Finally the barman prepares 2 mugs and says "You engineers, you just don't know your limits."

Two cats are standing on a roof. Which is the one that stays there? The one with the biggest mew (μ)

Why can't hikers be bitten by mosquitoes? because you can't multiply a vector by a scalar.

 

[jangofett287]

Why can't hikers be bitten by mosquitoes? because you can't multiply a vector by a scalar.

Umm, I thought you could? Or is that meant to be the joke? Anyway:

A Mathematician and an Engineer are placed in a room. On the other side of the room is a beautiful woman laying on a bed. The stipulation is that every minute they may move half the remaining distance to the bed. The Mathematician thinks for a few seconds, throws his arms up and exclaims "This is pointless!". The Engineer simply does as instructed. As he is leaving, the Mathematician turns to The Engineer and says "Don't you see? You will never reach her!". The Engineer replies "No, but soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

 

[thepenguin]

Why can't hikers be bitten by mosquitoes? because you can't multiply a vector by a scalar.

Nope. The right joke:

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scalar.