I was homeschooled since the 4th grade, because of problems with teachers, students and...just family, at the time. The only social interaction I had since "high school" was people at church, twice a week. I spent all of my other time in my room, hiding from the world, and hiding from my certain family members I was living with. That was still better than my kid and young teen years, where I would stockpile food and pee in a bottle because I was scared to leave my room.
I was a quiet child, so I don't think my parents had any more than a fractional understanding of what was going on, and my history. If I slacked in my schoolwork, my mother, completely ignorant of what she was doing to me, would threaten to send me back to "real school".
That's all in the past. I started going to community college in late august. I'm making good grades; 3 As and a B, that I'm confident I can pull up to an A by the end of the semester. I've made several intelligent friends, and I have good relationships with my teachers.
Nobody knows that my every waking thought is one of terror and torture. My mind is a whirlpool of bad memories, adapting themselves to my current environment and always taunting me. My only respite is sleep. The highlight of my day is when I lay my head down for seven or eight hours of relief.
I would cry all the time if I wasn't taught not to. I feel solidarity with the pavement. Unable to make a sound, a single squeak of protest. I just do what I'm expected to. I saw the school counselor a few weeks after my semester, when I thought I knew what a breaking point was. She told me it would get better as time went on, but its only gotten worse. I don't have any hope. I feel like my life is a chessboard and I only have my king left, facing a full complement of opposition. I feel like an XR5 on a re-entry course, with no main or APU fuel. I don't feel like I can take much more, and I don't know why I should.
Have you ever heard of an adult with imaginary friends? You have now. God I loved orbiter. I was very careful selecting my crews for missions. Everyone had a name, and I talked to them all. I made up procedures. "check the AC coupler, Josh! I think its leaking!". I really felt like someone. I felt like an astronaut.
I guess I need to see someone again...Monday. The counselor is so nice but she has no idea what's wrong with me...I don't know what's wrong with me.
Anyways, thanks for being people I feel like I can talk to. I'm probably just a little stressed. I'll talk to someone Monday, maybe even get some medicine of some kind.
I'm talking to someone now, on a different chat, who's had a similar experience. Maybe I'll get something from them.